Canadian invasion story

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Canadian invasion story

Post by Dogbreath »

Here it is...

PART: 1, Dogbreath

Completely unknown to all you helpless peons, there is currently a plan to invade and conquer Canada. This has been in planning for, Oh, two minutes now and is top secrete and confidential. Absolutely no one is allowed to see this.

That being said lets take you to the desk of the man commanding this assault.

We approach a door with the words ‘OFFICE OF KAYNINE RESPIRATORY SYSTEM (K9RS)’ and knock soundly three times. We hear a high pitched, squeaky voice say “come in!”

We enter the room to find a short, fat, pimpled man sitting behind his desk.

Us: “Hello, mister K9RS.”
K9RS: “Hello! Very nice to meet you!”
Us: “Yes, we were wondering if you could show us the plans for the following invasion.”
K9RS: “Certainty!”

“STEP 1: Get an army; if you’re going to invade a country then you have to have an army, right? Well we’re planning on making a joint army of newbies, lamers, idiots and Indiana state legislators, though the difference between the before mentioned has yet to be discovered. A 0 star general who claims to be an idiotic basketball fan but in truth is an international spy will be commanding this army. He will be known as Agent Double Zee Eight for now.”

“STEP 2: We will set up base in the back yard of a notorious Canadian F.A.G. known as Michael Zingwhiper, an interesting man who likes to be called by his initials, ‘MZ’. Of course, no one knows his real name, as that would require reading the copyright information at the bottom of the website he created to worship old forms of electronic entertainment. He lives in his house with the most fearsome weapon known to man; his mother. Knowing that he’s a F.A.G. we have hired him as a mercenary against his county and he has given us the privilege of using his backyard.”

“STEP 3: We make our first appearance, the French part of Canada will instantly surrender and switch sides upon seeing that there country is being attacked.”

“STEP 4: Well, err, um, I really haven’t thought past step three so I would like you all to meet my head adviser. Come in John!”

Suddenly the door crashes open! A 7foot tall slouching ape-man wearing camel skin and eating grasshoppers and holding a huge stone ax steps in!

Ape man: “ROAR!!!!!!!! ME JUN DE AXE!!!!!!!”
K9RS(in a quit, meek tone): “Don’t you mean John the ax man?”

PART: 2 John The Ax

We enter the war-room. There is a general, Al Gore, and Cats sitting around a table with boats and little figures.

General: These boaties are fun. But I want more shineys for my suit!
K9RS: Order! Order! What've we found out so far?
Gore: Z8 has discovered that the region of Canada, Ka-Beec, is filled with frenchmen yelling: "Down with Canada! Viva Ka-Beec!
K9RS: Alright. We'll have four different points of pressure.
CATS: Make all their base are belonging to us!
K9RS: Ka-beec will fall easily. We'll set up base there.
CATS: To us base belong!
K9RS: Riiight. Now, from the south: Elvis clones and robotic katydids. They'll stealthily salmon-jump up Niagra falls.
From the west: General Ba-a-a will lead an Eskimo hoard from base
CATS: Base! Base! All your base! Base! Base!
K9RS: camp Unk-ll. They will fling ice cubes and sled dogs.
Ba-a-a will tell us how the invasion goes.

PART: 3 Da_Goat

Now the hansome, white, harry, General Ba-a-a-a-a, with his utters set on automatic, enters the war room where the somewhat cliche story teller General Axe (Code name: pointy hammer) has been listening impatiently as the squeaky-voiced K9RS talks for what seems forever.
K9RS: Glad to see you around, General Ba-a-a-a.
Ba-a: Always a pleasure.
CATS: Your base is mine
Axe: So where is the exact coordinates of your base, General Ba-a-a?
Ba-a: Healy, Alaska. By the way, I visited there recently. Beautiful country.
K9RS: I'm sure it is. But we need to concentrate on our plans to capture Canada
CATS: Your base belong to us, only us.
Ba-a: Yes, sorry.
K9RS: How is your eskimo army coming along?
Ba-a: Very good. However, I have a severe lack of ice cubes
CATS: Give me bases. Give me bases
K9RS: Hmm, any ideas General Axe?
Axe: Yes. I say we ask George W. Bush to increase taxes so that we can get a really, really, big freezer.
K9RS calls over his secretary and whispers.
CATS: I want base.
K9RS: Done and done.
CATS: Give me base or give me death!
As if motioning to the horrible and whiny group "n'sync", K9RS, General Ba-a-a-a, and General Axe simultaneously take out there pistols and beginning spraying fire on those miserable "CATS"
Ba-a-a: Those cats were more like.....yuck......dogs.
K9RS: Don't bring that up again, da....
Ba-a-:We are examples as part of the military!! Besides, a certain F.A.G. may get mad. Swearing is not the answer.
K9RS: .....rn it!
General Axe looks at his watch and signals K9RS.
K9RS: Well, our time is running slim right now. I beleive that General Ba-a-a should return to his base.
Ba-a: Yes Sir.
He starts to head towards the exit but stops abruptly.
Ba-a: Um....could I possibly hitch a flight?
Axe: *sigh* Sure, take these frequent flyer miles.
Ba-a: Thanks
As General Ba-a-a-a exited the mysterious australian spy only known as an "Ally" entered. She was covered from head to toe in black cloth. When General Ba-a-a said "hello" to her on her way out, she just walked past. You could tell that her news was important.

PART: 4 Ally

Ally: I...I have some important news for you.
Axe: Fire away.
Ally: The canadians have been using an evil device to listen in to the conversations going on in the war room.
Axe: You mean....?
Ally: Yes. They know of our plans. What should we do now, General?
The room is deadly silent. General Axe and Ally try to think of possible solutions to this horrendous problem
Axe: There is only one thing left to do. We must act quicker!! Build bigger armies!!
A canadian bumbles in eating a donut. When asked who the #### he is, his only reply was "Richard"....

PART: 5 -=Oz=-

ok, now we move to the camps the troops have set up on the border between the civilised world, and canada. the troops are marching parralel to the border, looking for any "lost" canadians walking onto American soil.

at a large tent that seems to be the headquarters for the camp, there is a motley crew of people, who all have (strangely) very large finger muscles.

First there is Axe, his full name is John the Axe but his codename for the war will be Axe. he is a foot taller than he was the last time the crew met, and now he weilds an iron bladed axe, having moved on to watching Conan The Barbarian.

Then comes - a dog? no, it is K9RS, the squeaky - voiced man whose idea all this is. he has a smaller weapon than Axe, but it is just as deadly - his breath.

Thirdy, there is a coffin - but no ordinary coffin, for inside lies the remains of a malf-man, a man so obsessed with bases that he was killed in one. his name is Cats.

then there is a tall man in his twenties. he has a very pimply face, and looks - at a time like this - constipated. he holds a cocktail, and looks amused as he works away at some website of his. his codename is goat.

then, comes the enigmatic MZ, also known as Michael Zingwhiper, but if you want to use his discussion forum again, it is best to call him MZ. he holds a pin-on tail to attack any canadian feaks. right now, he is stabbing himself in the arm repeatedly.

Now come two austalians. first, a secret spy, working for the CIA, whose only weapon is her moderator's stick, which she uses to fight back unruly posts. A formidable foe, her codename is simply Ally.

then, ast but certainly not least, comes - a 13 year old boy. he is wearing a baggy orange t - shirt, massive baggy jeans, and, err, thomas the tank engine underwear. his weapon of choice is - zits. his face covered in them, all he has to do is squeeze and all enemies within 18 yards or so get sprayed with pus. Always travelling by skateboard, he calls himself Oz.

the band is waiting for an informant to appear, a certain "richard", who eats donuts and has a computer called Slowy McSlow. the informant was meant to be here days ago, but has not yet arrived.

Axe:"me hunt down richard! me kil him with shiny new axe!"
Ally:"patience. we must wait until he chooses to come."
MZ:"this is my website, and i declare that we lose Richard Wardrich, keeper of Slowy McSlow, the Computer."
K9RS:"it appears that Richard is not going to show. we shall, therefore, have to exile him, and ban him from posting."

then, suddenly, a fat canadian staggers out of the bushes, a box of donuts under each arm. "hey guys," he says. "my computer was just loading up. sorry. "

The spy Ally makes a cutting movement across her throat, and ten women leap from the shadowy corners of the tent and grab Richard. Ally walks forward, and grabs the canadian around the neck, cutting off his blood supply. the canadian, flummoxed, could do nothing as he slowly died. as a last offer of friendship, he offered up a box of donuts to ally.
Flattered by his offer, she reaches for the box, when Axe grabs it and puts the whole box into his mouth, and eats it.

the rest watch as ally let go of richard at the moment before he dies, letting him say his last few words. he said, simply: "i never made it to an ultimate dos master..."


then sudenly, MZ went over to the body of Wardrich, reached inside his pocket, and pulled out a membership card.

he began to speak...

PART: 6 EMMZEE (written by Wardrich)

MZ: This is it. The card we have all been looking for!!

Ally: What is it? Its written in some foreign language!

MZ: Its not foreign, its called French. Its one of those canadian languages!

Ally: OOOHHH french

MZ: Shut up K9

MZ: This card appears to be some sort of ID. It is one of the worst fake IDs i've ever seen!

MZ flips the card over to see what is on the reverse side.

MZ:It says its made in Canada, that must explain the terrible craftsmanship!

MZ flips card back over

MZ looks at card

| Name: Chad Wick |
| Age: 29 |
| Location: Cantuky |
| DOB [mm/dd/year]: 11/15/1980 |
| |
| 1009-109-000-111 |

MZ: WOW this is one TERRIBLE ID card!! how in the #### could he be 29 when he was born in 1980? and how hard is it to spell Kentucky?!?!?!

Ally: Boy those canadians are stupid!

K9RS: yep, they sure are!

oz pops a zit and almost hits Ally


Oz: Sorry, i was bored and needed a spot in this story.

So the group continues to walk across canadian soil (which is much cleaner than the dirty american soil) but little did they realize that the fat canadian really was Chad Wick! As the boys continue their trek John comes across a lumberjack.

John: Duh look at th' shiny axe! huhuhuh

lumberjack: Thank you, i like your ax too! are you also a lumberjack?!?

john: no, but it looks like fun

lumberjack: Well it suuurreee is! here have a box of donuts and help me cut down this tree

John: Ok

John takes his axe and tries to chop the tree, but misses, hits the lumber jack and takes his head off with one good blow. John looks around and takes the box of donuts, the lumberjack's axe and his Canadian ID.

| Name: Lumber Jack |
| Age: 45 |
| Location: British Columbia |
| DOB [mm/dd/yy]: 04/25/1957 |
| Occupation: tree chopper |
| |
| 1111-555-274-24363 |

the group continues to walk thru the woods when suddenly they hear a shuffle in the bushes.

Ally: What was that??

MZ: i dunno but lets be careful

John: we must be vewie, vewie qwiet!

they hear the shuffle again and look around when suddenly MZ looks into the trees and.....


.....MZ looks into the trees and sees...."A giant donut!" sqeals MZ with delight. John begins to attack the donut viciously with his axe. The rest of the group look on, horrified.
Ally: You maniac!! What are you doing?!?!?
John: Its a trap! We cannot eat this donut!
K9RS: Oh, but we can! I....just....can't.....resist!!!
John continues to hack away. Nobody had noticed, but something was implanted in the donut.
MZ: Oh god! Gaaaah!! NOOOOO!
K9RS: Its a....a.....

PART: 8 Dogbreath

...A retarded Basketball fan! Apparently agent Double Zee Eight has been trapped inside of a giant donut the entire time! Disgruntled, he steps out of the donut and begins to open his mouth, the people around him automatically cringe and begin shoving their jackets up their ears...

PART: 9 Lakerzz8

zz8: Thank goodness you have found me. Those stupid, evil canadians trapped me in a doughnut. I am the leader of your army.

K9rs: Hear, everyone... he is zz8. His strategic mind will help us take over Canada. His special attack: nuclear basketball grenades.

John: I hate basketball!!! I will kill you!!

zz8: Alas, there is no point.
If you kill me this whole mission will be over....grim failure. You see, if you choose to destroy me, my bombs will go off killing everyone else here. So I am a keeper.

Ally: How did you get stuck in a doughnut?

zz8: It's a long and painful story i do not wish to tell.

zz8: Now let's go get those french speaking Canadians!!!

Ally: I have had it in for Canadians ever since I saw The Peanut Butter Solution *shudder*

So the group picks up their pace.

Oz: stops for a moment why dont we have a car? come on! I am tired from all this walking.

The group stops to think...and then John comes up with a great idea....

PART: 10 John The Ax (not yet completed)
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John The Ax
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Post by John The Ax »

John: It called wheel! It round! We make them.
Ally: John, stop trying to reinvent the wheel...
John: I thought I'd get away with it...
Dogbreath: It's simple. We use the thrust from Oz's popping zits to propel us into the air. Now, all we need are some wings...
(John is already on it, chopping a large oak tree into a small pair of wings.)
zz8: Look. There are 1,246 rings on that tree. It's really old. Did you have to cut down that one?
Ally: And it took you how long to count that?
zz8: Well, my countless pointless posts has increased my thought rate to the same as a Pentium 4 proscessor. I can count real fast.
Ally (to herself): Too bad he can't think about anything useful...
John: Wings done. hang one.
Dogbreath: I'm finished strapping Oz to the bottom. Get on, everybody.
The OzMobile lifts off. The exploding force causes it to fly at speeds of excess of 700 mph. Two minutes and five sound barrier breaks later the "Plane" lands in Missagua, the lead city of Michael Zingwhipper.
MZ: It seems we have a problem. K0, leader of the S.P.A.M. corp. He hates our spy, and is out to get him.
John: What's he gonna do when he gets him?
Dogbreath: Shut up, John.
John: No.
DB: Whatever.
John: Never insult one with big axe.
MZ: Words well stated. John is certainly the epitoime of wisdom.
Ally: I am utterly surrounded by morons.
John: Thanks!
Ally faints.
Suddenly, there is a knocking at the door. Dogbreath peeks out to see who it is...
Warning: You are being watched.

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Post by Dogbreath »

Our hero, K9RS (who is slightly confused by the fact that the fine chap known simply as “narrator” has been calling him Dogbreath as of late) comes running back from the hall, a pained look of sheer terror covers his face.

K9RS: It’s him! AHHH!!!!!!!!! We tried to abandon him at the last stop but he tracked us down!
K9RS: Quick! Bar the door with whatever you have! We can’t be compromised!
Instantly, the team sets to work trying to keep out the monster in the hall, but hope soon fades for our brave comrades and at last, General Ba-a-a-a bursts through the door, all four utters set on frag.
Ba-a-a-a: *Aiming his projectile weapons at K9RS who, at the moment is whimpering in the corner* Why did you leave me behind you low-life mutt.
K9RS: EEEEEKKK! Please don’t hurt me! it was all an accident! I swear! I received a transmission from you saying your mother was sick and you were going to stay there!
Ba-a-a-a lets his weapons fall to the side.
Ba-a-a-a: I suspected as much, I received word that General Double Zee Eight is a enemy spy and was attempting to compromise my accounts world wide.
John: WHAT!?! HE MUST DIE!!!!!!!
K9RS: Wait; maybe there is a peaceful so….
*The fierce but not-too-bright caveman goes into a powerful swing which, when complete, deprives our beloved 0-star general of the upper portion of his head*
K9RS: …lution.
Being deprived of their moronic leader, the Indiana State Legislators return home to talk about more important things such as mandatory seatbelt laws, cigarette taxes and football teams. The lamers return to creating MZX games. And the newbies evolve into sadistic, bad-mouth, depressive oldbies, lurking around the various IRC channels.
Michael: *sigh* Well, there goes our army.
“In which case, my job here is done,” says the mysterious Australian spy as she vanishes into a puff of logic.

The remaining members of the task force contemplate what to do now, given that their armies were shattered.

John: I propose we rush ‘em head on, go out in a glorious battle.
Michael: I say we drop my mother over Ottawa, kill off as many of them as we can.
K9RS: And I say the most prudent course of action is to release mutant spiders that eat doughnuts all over the Maple Leaf country, without them they would surely starve.
Ba-a-a-a: Fighting is wrong, we should return to our farms.

Richard and Oz remain silent.

The party debates this for the next three hours until finally, a two-hundred-and-one year old wise man who, despite his age, was quite tall and had a fascinating nose-bone, walks through the wall and entered the apartment.

Wiseman: Look at you! American, British, and Canadian, all trying to kill one another! Didn’st ya’ know that you all came from the same ancestors? Nay, ye shouldn’t be fighting amongst yourselves, ye should join together and fight what is truly evil!

With that being said, he leaves as quickly as he came.

K9RS: He did have a point.
John: Agreed.
Ba-a-a-a: Indeed.
Michael: Very much so.
Richard and Oz: We agree as well.

United at last by the making of this simple yet binding pact, the group sets out on their new endeavor: To destroy the fiendish company known as AOL/Time Warner or die in the attempt.

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Post by Dogbreath »

Goat has the honor of starting part 2. The only restrictions I would like to place on it (other than the original rules) would be for the story to be in past tense and 3rd person. Writing from present tense is TOUGH if you're attempting to write properly.

Goat: I think this is a good idea.

"I believe this is a prudent course of action," said goat.

Clearly the latter allows for greater freedom in writing style.